Guys, I really need help.

"

...
Edit: Holy shit, that heart attack thing might not even be a joke. This thing is fucking nuts. It sounds like it's almost tarantula sized.
...

I had something similar happen to me. I was watching TV and could actually hear a spider walking across the floor in the kitchen... I could hear it walk.

It was a type I've never seen before nor since. It was big enough to kill a small mole or mouse, depending on whatever poison it could have had.

It was too big to kill. If I had stomped on it, the guts would have painted the kitchen cabinets. I picked it up using a piece of cardboard/similar and carried it outside. It was agressive, preferring to posture rather than to run. The closest I've ever seen to what it could have been was some sort of mutant house spider, but one that became gigantic.... f'in thing.

A few years prior to this a friend gave me all her houseplants, since she was moving to another State. Being a known murderer of houseplants, she thought it would be a good idea if I tried to train myself to be nicer to them. Evidently, many of them had been outside and most had been colonized by a spider that isn't native to the US. You know how I know? 'Cause the fookers hatched and I had thousands of the little bartards running around the house... Luckily, they weren't particularly aggressive, but after they finished feeding on each other only the "Strongest" were left. I could have charged them rent, but they all carried switchblades so I left them alone...

"

crunkatog wrote:

"

ghamadvar wrote:

"

I can literally hear a spider walking around beneath a cupboard type thing about three feet away from me. I'm fucking terrified right now.

There's been a few massive ones before I could hear, this makes them sound tiny though. If I never post on the forum again, know it's because it came out and I had a heart attack.

Edit: Holy shit, that heart attack thing might not even be a joke. This thing is fucking nuts. It sounds like it's almost tarantula sized.

Edit again: Whoo, I survived the night. He's gone or in stasis, and it's safe to sleep.

And now the most important question: where do you live?
I am terrified of spiders (although i never ever kill them. Just fight with myself to put a glas over them and carry them out. I also don't kill flies, waps or hornets. Bad Karma), but where i live they don't get too big.

But i will never forget when i travelled to australia (just a 4 day stay until going to new zealand). Every noise. Every shadow. Awaiting death behind it. Boy, do i hate spiders... as huge as fucking dogs.

I've been to Texas. Rattlers under the steps outside the Long John Silver's. Every streetlamp after dusk is a galaxy of fat, heavy flying bugs in all their Carboniferous variety. Fire ants swarming in an unbroken carpet of pain across fields and streams and parking lots. Spiders great and small - among the smaller ones are the black widow and the brown recluse - some with hard enough carapaces that the boot is NOT ENOUGH and you must rely on THE ROCK.

Flying, biting, swimming roaches the size of dogs 357 Magnum slugs.

I've read this in a john rambo voice ;)
I lived in texas for some time. Was a little boy, so maybe my dad did the best job ever to protect me from the terrors. Otherwise i would not have survived THIS. Holy moly.

"

DalaiLama wrote:

Instead of trying to hit it, get some hairspray and spray just above the spider

add a lighter for more damage and hope the damage multiplicator is only local

"

ghamadvar wrote:

I've read this in a john rambo voice ;)

And that was a mistake. Do yourself a solid and read that in col. Sam Trautman voice. Thank me later.

https://youtu.be/3asI6uHl6k8

This is something out of Lovecraft. Wait, didn't he live around there?!?!??!!?!

Edited to add: no, that was RI. Close though.


Creeeepppyyy

we have only to 2 types of dangerous spiders here. and both are quite small(but still looking badass). so big ones don't scare me. I like at least 2 or 3 in my bedroom, keeps the bloodsuckers away. And statistically they serve as a midnightsnack every now and then :P

"

JohnGrammaticus wrote:

"

ghamadvar wrote:

I've read this in a john rambo voice ;)

And that was a mistake. Do yourself a solid and read that in col. Sam Trautman voice. Thank me later.

https://youtu.be/3asI6uHl6k8

thanks mate. but i'll be with johnny ;)

"

cronus wrote:

"

DalaiLama wrote:

Instead of trying to hit it, get some hairspray and spray just above the spider

add a lighter for more damage and hope the damage multiplicator is only local

Its AOE may begin as a stream but eventually adopts the shape of the propellant's AOE, i.e. a cone.

This is the operating principle behind Scorching Ray.

aka Redneck Pest Control.

Old fart with nothing on but a "Holy" T-shirt and sagging briefs "Exorcising" the living room of some poor hapless spider that decided to rappel down from the ceiling in front of the TV while Dad was watching Storage Wars.

If you've been hanging fly paper though, take it down first before you incinerate. Just saying. Not that I've ever, EVER almost lit up the trailer house with a can of Aqua Net and a Zippo because I caught the fly paper in the crossfire.

"

crunkatog wrote:

If you've been hanging fly paper though, take it down first before you incinerate. Just saying. Not that I've ever, EVER almost lit up the trailer house with a can of Aqua Net and a Zippo because I caught the fly paper in the crossfire.

Aqua Net?! Wow time warp, I remember that shit back in the day.

Here you go